What I learned from being the victim of a love-bomber

Disclaimer: I have been given full permission to share this story by the person to whom it happened, just omitting some details that would make them identifiable.

Eighteen months ago, I met someone nice and fun. I wasn’t looking for anything, but we clicked. We hung out with friends a few times, and it was nice. Then the texts started. They said meeting me had changed their life, and pulled them out of darkness. Friends and family warned me: unstable, unfaithful, immature, never in a relationship lasting more than three years. Red flags everywhere. But I felt safe, knowing I’d be leaving soon.

In Love-Bombing, one person takes full control of the other's emotions and feelings.

When they finally declared their feelings, I was clear: I wasn’t looking for anything serious. They said, “fine.” We spent a few lovely days together. They were sweet, fun, and kind. So different from the warnings. I left, wishing them well. But they didn’t let me go. As I boarded my plane, they texted that they had fallen in love. I felt guilty. Had I led them on? Had I hurt them unfairly? I started resenting those who had warned me. Maybe they had been wrong.

Once home, the texts were relentless—day and night. Love declarations, gratitude, deep emotional outpourings. It was too much, but guilt kept me engaged. Soon, the idea of visiting me came up. At first, I resisted, but I thought if they saw me in my normal life, reality would set in. They would realize this wasn’t meant to last. They came. And it was amazing. They charmed my friends, quickly connected on social media, and knew exactly how to talk to everyone. And more declarations—wanting me “for life,” never wanting to “let me go.” It had only been two months, ten days in total together. But I had been so used to feeling invisible that even the little they gave felt like plenty. My body knew something was wrong—I developed tendonitis in my left hand for the entire visit.

We made plans to meet again. In the meantime, the messages continued, even stronger. They talked about moving closer and a future together. I started lying, hiding things from certain friends, and withdrawing even when I was physically with them. I was always waiting for a call or a text. I finally asked for 48 hours of space. They acted hurt but agreed. Their supposed respect made me trust them more.

We met again. Looking back, I see they used me in every way. But then, I just wanted to make them happy. When I had to prioritize work or family, they wouldn’t get angry—just sad, understanding. It made me feel worse, like I had to compensate.

The last time we said goodbye; they told me I was the only one who truly understood them. They said “I love you” again and again. By then, I was all in. When I invited them on a trip a few days later, they were cold and uninterested. The texts slowed. I didn’t know it yet, but they had already moved on. Back to someone from their past, someone they had tried and failed to destroy before. And they used our story as leverage to win them back. Our relationship had made them more desirable.

Even then, they didn’t cut me off. They fed me crumbs for weeks. When I tried to walk away, they reeled me back just enough. They needed power, an ego boost. They needed to feel they had reestablished themselves enough in their former relationship to let go of their power over me. Finally, three months later, they said they no longer had time for me. The truth? They were done playing. They had wrecked my life enough and moved on to their next victim, someone now in the process of destroying their own world for them.

I was angry. At them, at myself. How had I let someone I didn’t even want in the first place manipulate me like this? Why had I ignored the signs, excused the obvious? Looking back, I can’t even remember what attracted me to them—other than the fact that I was starving for connection, and they seemed to offer it.

If reading this feels familiar, you may be the victim of a love bomber.

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a psychological manipulation tactic in which an individual overwhelms another with excessive affection, attention, and grand gestures to gain control over them. This behavior is often associated with narcissistic and abusive relationships, where the love bomber uses flattery, gifts, and intense declarations of love to create an emotional dependency in their target.

Initially, love bombing can feel exhilarating. The target may believe they have found an ideal partner who truly adores them. However, this phase is typically followed by a shift in behavior. Once the target is emotionally invested, the love bomber may begin to withdraw affection, criticize, or manipulate their partner, leading to confusion and distress. This cycle of intense affection followed by emotional withdrawal reinforces the target’s dependency, making them more susceptible to control and abuse.

Love bombing is not limited to romantic relationships; it can also occur in friendships, workplaces, and even cults. In these situations, an individual or group may use excessive praise and attention to lure someone into their sphere of influence before exerting control over their decisions and actions.

Understanding and Avoiding Love Bombing

The theory behind love bombing is rooted in psychological conditioning. By alternating extreme affection with periods of emotional neglect, the love bomber creates a reinforcement cycle that keeps their target seeking validation and approval. This pattern is akin to intermittent reinforcement, a concept in behavioral psychology that makes people more likely to remain in an unhealthy dynamic because they are constantly hoping for the return of positive reinforcement.

To avoid falling victim to love bombing, individuals should be cautious of relationships that progress too quickly, with overwhelming gestures and declarations of love early on. Setting boundaries, maintaining independent interests, and seeking outside perspectives from trusted friends or family can help recognize and resist manipulation.

Recovery from Love Bombing

Recovering from love bombing requires self-awareness and support. Recognizing that the affection was a tool for control rather than genuine love is the first step. Therapy or counseling can be beneficial in addressing the emotional aftermath and rebuilding self-esteem. Engaging in self-care, reconnecting with hobbies, and surrounding oneself with supportive individuals can help break the emotional hold of the love bomber. By developing a stronger sense of self-worth and learning to trust one’s instincts, individuals can prevent falling into similar patterns in the future.

The above experience with love bombing highlights the subtle yet destructive nature of this manipulation. They initially met someone who seemed kind and fun, expressing deep gratitude and admiration. Despite warnings from others about this person’s unstable relationship history, the target was drawn in by their charm and apparent sincerity.

As the relationship progressed, the love bomber maintained constant contact, sending excessive messages filled with grand declarations of love and devotion. This attention, while overwhelming, felt flattering, making the target feel special and desired. However, the relationship quickly became unbalanced, with the love bomber subtly pressuring them into emotional dependence while gradually withdrawing their affection and engagement.

When the love-bomber eventually moved on, they left emotional wreckage behind. The target was left questioning their own judgment, feeling manipulated and used. However, through self-reflection, therapy, and the support of friends, they were able to regain their confidence and understand the manipulation they had endured.

For those who suspect they are experiencing love bombing, awareness is crucial. Recognizing the warning signs and seeking external perspectives can help individuals protect themselves from falling into a cycle of emotional dependency and manipulation. If you recognize that you are the victim of a love-bomber or that you tend to use these methods in relationships. Please talk to a professional.

Gaelle Chatenet March 2026