Talk about Self-confidence is everywhere you look. Are you trying to lose weight? Quit smoking? About to go to a job interview? Asking for a promotion or a date? Any decent self-help book will give you the same answer: all you need is self-confidence. Just be confident and, they promise it, everything will be fine! As someone who grew up constantly reminded by my teachers that I needed to be more confident, I spent years, trying, hoping and wishing that I could somehow wake up confident one day. Because the big problem when it comes to self-confidence is that while everyone tells you that you need it, literally no one tells you how do you go about getting it.
So, if like me you have been searching for self-confidence and wondering how to get it here it comes!
First of all, one thing to set your mind at ease (or not!): there is nothing you can do about self-confidence directly. You cannot decide to become confident, hypnotize yourself to be more confident, use affirmations to boost your confidence, etc., it just won’t work!
So, where does confidence come from? It comes from self-esteem. The better your self-esteem, the better your confidence. And while you cannot change self-confidence you can act on your self-esteem quite easily. And once you raise your self-esteem your self-confidence will follow naturally.
So.....How do you boost your self-esteem?
The first thing to do is determine what your values are. Pick one area of your life: work, family, relationships and once you have one, think about the values that are important to you in that particular area. If you are having trouble determining your values, think of a person you admire, who does things you wish you would do. This person embodies at least some of your values. Examples of values are honestly, humility, kindness, courage, empathy, strength, tolerance, trustworthiness, etc. Basically, any quality that you value.
Once you have determined your values (at least 3 up to 5), rank them. Again, think about the specific area in your life and think of your values to decide which one is the most important, then the second one, and so on until you have ranked them all. This is especially important if two values are going against each other, you will need to know which one is more important to you and should be given priority in that particular area of your life. Your values might be the same, or very similar for different parts of your life, however depending on the area the ranking will vary.
Once you are aware of your values, think about each one and about how you would need to act to be in accordance with it. If your main value is kindness, then ask yourself what it means to you to be kind. How would you go about expressing that kindness? What will it feel like? And then, as much as you can, act accordingly. Acting in accordance with your values is what boosts your self-esteem. A boosted self-esteem naturally enhances your confidence.
Every time you act in a kind way, you will feel good about yourself and confident in your ability to be a kind person. On the other side, if you act in an unkind way you will find yourself going against your value of kindness, and are likely to feel bad about yourself and think and rethink about your behavior and feel guilty about it.
So, if you want to become self-confident: follow these steps:
1. Find your values
2. Rank them
3. Act according to them.
This will boost your self-esteem and your confidence will grow naturally from there.
And if you need more help, contact me!
parentingintokyo@gmail.com